Burnout and the Relentless Project

Posted on by roastedbanana91

Burnout Noun – Exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration (Meriam-Webster).

Alas, as Julia Cameron alluded to in her famous book The Artist’s Way, I have hit the wall of burnout. With events of the pandemic, a postponed wedding ceremony, a progressing military-to-civilian transition, and preparation to move across the country into a new state, I was at my wit’s end with how to manage everything at the same time. The ultimate cherry on the sundae (sarcasm) was the resurfacing issue of domestic violence in my family. I was challenged by my under-developed boundaries, and desperately needed to re-evaluate my course of action for what felt like an ovewhelm of chaos. On top of coping with my trauma and the effects of it, I needed to manage what are known to be very common and large stressors of the “normal” life…moving across the country, dealing with ongoing domestic violence in my family, re-establishing my boundaries.

Thank the heavens that I was already established with a Therapist, Betterhelp was a trusted option of counseling that I knew I needed when I first made the decision to execute the vision of the Relentless Project. I had already made significant strides in my healing, and needed the support to work on the most difficult obstacles between me and the work I want to do. 

Thank you to those who have supported me this far. I hope to bring some of my insight of how I’ve managed to make it through burnout…when I do.

Until next time.

Recording Podcast Episodes with Fervor

Posted on by roastedbanana91

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I get over-excited (obsessed?) when I start something that I’m passionate about. I was listening to Cathy Heller’s podcast Don’t Quit Your Day Job on the episode “How to Raise Your Upper Limit & Make Messy First Drafts” where she talked about the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. Apparently, there are three zones:

  1. Zone of Competence (You’re pretty good at it, so you do it; You’re capable)
  2. Zone of Excellence (More than capable, you’re great; Tons of compliments; You’re doing so awesome)
  3. Zone of Genius (If God was the author, and you feel like the pen; It feels like the infinite)

When I’m planning for my podcast Relentless, I’m right there in the Zone of Genius. It’s the same place I was in when I used to sing at my church with Jonathan, when I felt like I was sharing my personal prayers with everyone around me. I feel like I’ve struggled the most with my spirituality since I’ve moved to Texas—Jonathan and I moved here, and we really struggled to find a church that felt like home for us. But I share that because singing at church was where I was in my Zone of Genius for years, and for a few years since I’ve moved from California, I have been in my Zone of Competence/Zone of Excellence, but haven’t been able to find a place where I could perform/be in my Zone of Genius.

I had accomplished everything that I thought would make me happy: financial freedom, my own space, and a career I wanted. But I felt emotionally lonely, unfulfilled, and empty.

My soul was thirsty for fulfillment, and while everyone told me that I was great/amazing at my job, whether bedside nursing or administrative, I couldn’t find that place in my soul where I felt connected with the thing/being/universe that connects everything together.

I owe a lot of my creative fervor to Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way, a book that revolutionized how I looked at my creative outlets. I’ve untapped a well that has been nothing but abundant, and have experienced a level of spirituality that I thought I only could feel singing for church.

For the first time, I was praying again, writing again, playing with art again, singing again. It was phenominal. All because I listened to Julia Cameron, and started listening to myself. 

So, for the past one/two weeks, I have been molding what I’ve imagined into actual, physical things—all thanks to Jonathan’s encouragement and help with his knowledge of equipment and technology. He’s helped me to set up a recording station at home, the podcast blog, and this personal blog (when I finally decided that I wanted to share my personal journey in a separate place).

Since all that has happened, I’ve been writing my ideas, drafting, recording, and typing like crazy. This podcast (my first project, really) is something that I am incredibly passionate about. I want to share it with the world, and I want it to grow into something so huge, that survivors of CSA won’t have to look under rocks to find what they need for themselves. I want it to grow so large that no one has a choice but to have a conversation about it.

And while this also scares me incredibly, for the first time, I’m going to be open with everyone about what I’ve been through, so that I can get to the people who need this to the most. 

I’m finally at a place where I can talk about what has happened, and about child sexual abuse, without feeling the same pain I did when I was 17 or 21. 

I prayed to be an instrument of grace and peace, that I could share nothing but good. And if it helps one person, it would still be very much worth it.

Thank you for being a part of my journey! ♥

Goodbye Texas, Hello Philly!

Posted on by roastedbanana91

There are many changes in the air here in Texas, and it’s not just the weather! If you don’t already know, I’m currently serving in the US Air Force (Obligatory Disclaimer:  My opinions reflected in this blog are not a reflection of the opinions of the US Air Force). I have been serving for just under four years now, and my fiance Jonathan and I have decided that the military lifestyle was not what we wanted for our family.

I’ve applied for separation, and before doing so, I’ve applied to my dream school and was recently accepted to the University of Pennsylvania’s Nursing and Healthcare Administration MSN program! I still have to pinch myself on the cheek when I think about it. The imposter syndrome will be in full force upon day one of going back to school.

But back to my original topic—the changes! Jonathan and I have been thrilled about moving. We also have a number of many other things to prepare for, which is a little hectic: A military separation, a destination wedding with our families, then a reception back home in California where we both grew up.  It makes me a bit anxious to think about all of these things at once, but I’m more grateful than anything.  These problems, I’ve learned, were good problems—the problems that I want.

If you asked me five years ago, I wouldn’t have in a million years thought that I’d be here today in my situation.  If you asked me 10 years ago, I would have been too preoccupied with surviving the day to day to think about having problems like the ones I have now. 

Sometimes, I have to think hard to remember things used to be. When everything was in the air and all I really was fighting for was a way out of my parent’s house, I had a single goal:  make it through Nursing School and practice nursing in the USAF.  It guaranteed two things 1) A way out of the house where the trauma happened, and 2) Financial independence.  Somehow I felt that if I achieved these two things, everything would be alright.  I would be happy. 

What I didn’t realize was that the ultimate achieving of a goal wasn’t what brought happiness. I was happy in California—surrounded by my closest friends, a driving distance from all of my favorite places to run and hike, and working towards my goals.  I know, it’s so cliché: It isn’t the destination, it’s the journey.

When I was finally stationed in Texas, it was a struggle to lose a familiar support system. Jonathan ultimately became my one support system, and while I was learning how to live in a new state, I very quickly learned how beneficial it was to have a support system other than my significant other. 

Poor Jonathan—he must have went nuts for a little bit while we were adjusting. It took us maybe a few years before I could finally explore my own hobbies and interests without feeling obliged to do every single thing with him.

Moving away from what we considered home was a learning experience, and we’re looking forward to the next one. While there are still many uncertainties, there’s too much to be grateful for now.

To close, here are a list of things I’m looking forward to:

    1. The Wedding
    2. The Wedding Reception
    3. Living somewhere more urban
    4. A greater diversity of food options
    5. Experiencing a full 4 seasons
    6. Experiencing what it feels like to live in below 30 degree weather
    7. Releasing Relentless Podcast
    8. Working on my book
    9. Maybe starting a crochet group for survivors
    10. Going back to school!
    11. Adventuring nature in the East Coast
    12. Living close to my sister

This long list seems a little ambitious, and I’m wary of over-committing myself to the point that I used to when I was younger…but I think it makes a huge difference that I know in my heart of hearts that these are the things I want to achieve. Lara Casey, Founder of Cultivate My Life, has an amazing podcast about goal-setting that I’ve been listening to since I’ve purchased the Powersheets. She’s helped me to understand that understanding the why behind my goals well help me to adapt when it’s time to achieve them. That although I may not be able to achieve everything that I set out to do for the year, progress is what is most important.

With that, I think that I’ll end this here. Thank you for being a part of a very exciting time in my life. Stay relentless! ♥

 

Here Goes Nothing!

Posted on by roastedbanana91

I can’t believe that the seeds of my imagination have now bloomed into little sprouts! If it weren’t for Jonathan (my fiancé) and his support (technical, emotional), I wouldn’t have been able to produce what I have so far!

What I’m Working On

I recorded two episodes now, and I’m trying very hard not to overthink or overproduce it. There are so many things I’ve been nervous about:

  • How do I make it clear that my resource is not a perfect replacement for therapy?
  • What if I say something wrong, and accidentally harm someone as a result?
  • What if I’m missing something?
  • What if I don’t speak well enough, that I’m difficult to understand?
  • How do I release this podcast without re-creating a rift in my family when the dynamic is the most peaceful that it has ever been?
  • How do I release this podcast without making it seem like I’m seeking for attention, or pity?
  • What if people start treating me like broken goods (ugh, gross)?

I listened to loads of podcasts…specifically podcasts about how to make successful podcasts, and other podcasts that exist about child sexual abuse. My goal is to create a high quality podcast that serves survivors of CSA as another resource to turn to. 

Why I’m Doing All This

I think about the time a few years after my trauma, when scavenged the ends of the earth to research everything I could find about child sexual abuse. I was thirsty for information. I wanted to understand what happened to me and what I was going through in the aftermath.

I found only a handful of books at the library, an incredible online community of people through pandys.org, a friend who went through something similar through Tumblr. I searched through the article database that was available to me as a nursing student in my university while I studied for my Bachelor’s in Science in Nursing, and saved all of them. I visited the police department of the city where the trauma occurred to find the exact police records that were typed when my perpetrator was arrested, and saved them in a file. I was eager to remember the details of what happened, and to understand why certain situations in my life triggered a very primal response of fear. 

I was so disheartened to find that there wasn’t much that existed when I first began my search in 2009-2010. We didn’t have a “me too” movement then, and while there were a large number of books that talked about what CSA was and its effects…there were very few that talked about what I REALLY wanted to know, in a way that was palatable for me. What I really wanted to know was Why the hell am I going through what I’m going through years after the trauma? And Will I ever get to live a “normal” life?

What I do know, ten years after the fact, is that while normal is possible, having an extraordinary life is possible too. And I don’t want that to come off in a snooty “I did it, so you should be able to do it too” sort of way. I mean it in the “If you dedicate time for the arduous work that it takes to heal, you can live a life better than you’ve ever known” sort of way.

It’s not easy. It’s difficult. Figuring it out myself was like taking the wrong way in the forest a gazillion friggen times in the dark, while still fighting for your survival, and then finally finding the pathway out of the woods. Has that happened to you? It’s terrifying. Don’t actually do it—the getting lost in the woods part. 

My point is, that I want to create something that’s easy to digest, easy to access, and helps survivors like Joanna ten years ago, searching for answers, desperate to survive.

I have so much I want to do, but I’ve made my goals for the year, and one of them, is the Relentless Podcast. While there are so many things to consider, so many things I’m nervous about, this is something that means the world to me right now. 

If I can’t save the world, I hope I can at least help one person that feels alone in this world because of the trauma they’ve experienced as a child.